Country Rankings…How’s yours doing?

Top countiresSo, here are the countries that have visited the site since its inception. The top country, the UK, has had the most site views…strange that, what with most of my friends/family being British….then follows the USA, Canada and through the rest of the countries from left to right, reading like a sentence.

So…can you bump your country up the list?

Can you see your countries flag?

Do you even care/want to?

Are you bothered where your country comes in this graphic and have you seen through my weak attempt to get more views on my site?

Have I just given away my poor attempt at PR?…or…

Are you now actively wondering how you can push your fellow countrymen into viewing what you believe to be the best author/book site ever?

funny-Angry-Hermione-gun-wand

Has the last comment pushed you over the edge and you now think I’m a complete idiot; believing, as I did, that I could persuade YOU into providing free PR.

Are you wishing you stopped reading these inane questions minutes ago… wondering what you will have for dinner whilst concocting a way to kill the supposed friend who got you to view this site…the gullible bas@*&^%

Have you now taken out a contract on me to stop me waffle writing these ridiculous posts and to rid the world of what you believe to be the next devil incarnate?

So you’ve cooked dinner and still reading in the hope that I may have written something worth while…I mean, why else would Jeff from accounts have recommended you visit the site and in particular this page…it’s not as if Jeff dislikes you…is it?

Jeff is your best mate, your pillar when times got bad and you found yourself all alone after she left you. Why in the hell would he recommend this god forsaken site to you?

Jeff hates you.

You’ve just realised you’re not as popular as you thought and sometime in the past you really…REALLY…annoyed Jeff. Why else would he have asked you to view bloody blog?

You’re wondering if it was Jeff that got your girlfriend to leave you. Was it him that told her about the fling with Julie from accounts at the office leadership weekend?

It was, wasn’t it?

Yep.

Sucker!

Why the complete…hang on…how come I know about your sordid past? Well, maybe I’m Jeff mocking you, or maybe I’m your ex, humiliating you before your friends?

Have your friends read this site too?

Oh crap…you told them to. They’re probably on it right now, bumping up your country’s rating so that, soon enough, the whole town will know you’re a complete dooshbag.

Brilliant, just brilliant.

So why couldn’t Jeff/ex have just punched you in the face… and kicked you where no man should be kicked… instead of this embarrassing fiasco?

Revenge.

Alex's rage eventually escalates into violence.

A woman scolded and all that.

Probably shouldn’t have mocked her shoes too.

Yep, that was a mistake, a silly error that you could have done without. I mean, mentioning you thought her shoes were weird, when she asked if you’d been unfaithful.

But it was all you could think of to divert the conversation…that or stating you’d become a Buddhist monk.

Should have gone with the monk idea…too late now.

Suffer!

But you only split up yesterday and the website has been up for months?

Yep, they/we have been planning this for a long time, planning your hook up with Julie, seeding the desire during the Christmas party and then waiting for confirmation that you…wait, there’s a knock at the door, I’ll be right back, hold that thought.

Oh crap, you hired the hitman!

But I have so much to tell you, can’t you just tell him to stop? I have the answers you’ve been after: why you shouldn’t eat yellow snow, how they get those huge ships into those little bottles and why it’s not okay to enjoy listening to Britney Spears whilst wearing a Spiderman outfit and a hockey mask…

Singer Britney Spears was one of the best sell...

Singer Britney Spears was one of the best selling female performers of the 2000s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, wait. I’ll pay you to get him to…

What do you mean this has nothing to do with Jeff and Julie. Listen, if you want to get your country higher up the ranks, then you get me more views…stop hiring villains!

And in other news, it has been discovered that the latest Pope used to be the bass guitarist for Metallica…that’s a lie, I can’t back that up.

Remember…the World need TLC.

TLC ON KINDLE BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY

TLC ON KINDLE BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY.

So, are you one of the many that have already glimpsed the promotion on this weekend?

Have you told your friends about it, or are you going to be mean, download it yourself, read it and then tell your friends (smugly) how you think the book is amazing…and you got it for free.

Don’t be like that

Tell your friends, your sister who has a teenage daughter, the tramp that lives in the garage and owns a Kindle Fire or the small alien from the planet Phtanger Plop who dropped in to visit at Christmas… broke the space ship reversing out of the launch pad… and is still waiting for intergalactic DHL to drop of the new plasma phase coli thingymajig-whatsamacallit 2, so that he can get home for the Easter Egg hunt, an idea that he believes will make him a fortune as they have a rabbit problem on Phtanger Plop.

So what are you waiting for, press the share buttons, get the word out and be the friend/sibling/workmate/customs officer that shares the good will, likes to make the world a better place and…ah, this probably doesn’t apply to the customs officer…rejoices in seeing people smile, laugh and enjoy themselves, and is  known for always going out of your way if you can help others.

Or…you can

Just read it and then smugly tell your friends that ‘it’s now back up to full price and how cool am I for getting it for free’.  I suggest you finish the sentence with a wink before sticking two fingers up at them…and then running to the door as quickly as possible, dodging the supersonic stiletto thrown by the girl you wanted to date, but now realise you have no hope with, and ducking as your priceless plastic Stuka model recreates a scene from the Battle of Britain.

Your Choice, I know which I would do, but then I was always the weird one and I was never going to get that date anyhow…and it’s just funnier that way.

Remember…the World needs TLC!

Note: The reason for the Rabbit problem on planet, Phtanger Plop, is due to Mr Archiboldavinatachyphlem Katanga-Xantianiagforkander (known as ‘Mate’ to his friends) importing a species of rabbit 20 years ago and allowing them to escape and breed in the wild.  The rabbit species in question was the Flopsy rabbit of Spantaga Prime (a huge 12ft tall carnivorous monster known for causing several species extinctions in over 42 galaxies).

‘Mate’ bought as they looked ‘cute’.

The little bundles of joy soon grew from the ‘initially I could hold them in my hand’ and he released them after they had eaten his dog, its kennel and two of the neighbours racing hippo-horses.

There is a warrant out for ‘mate’ with a huge reward attached.  It is believed he escaped to planet Earth around Christmas and has remained there after an accident in the launch pad…

TLC ON KINDLE BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY

TLC Free on Kindle 15-17 Mar 2013

As it is my Birthday weekend, if anyone asks I’m 30…ish, I’m giving away TLC on kindle for Free.

Who Will Enjoy TLC?

If you, your friends/family/neighbours/family pet/man you met at the bus stop/siblings enjoyed books like Potter, Hitchhikers or Pratchett, then you/they will enjoy TLC.

Get the Word Out

Share this on your Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, tell your friends that North Korea have promised to dismantle their Nuclear weapons if they download it…mention it at your book club and then read it yourself.

Remember…The World Needs TLC

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The offer begins at 12:00 AM Pacific Standard Time…that’s GMT -7hours… on the 15 March and finishes 12:00 PM Pacific Standard Time on the 17 March.  All times are subject to variation as the Amazon servers catch up, dependent upon where you are in the World.