Country Rankings…How’s yours doing?

Top countiresSo, here are the countries that have visited the site since its inception. The top country, the UK, has had the most site views…strange that, what with most of my friends/family being British….then follows the USA, Canada and through the rest of the countries from left to right, reading like a sentence.

So…can you bump your country up the list?

Can you see your countries flag?

Do you even care/want to?

Are you bothered where your country comes in this graphic and have you seen through my weak attempt to get more views on my site?

Have I just given away my poor attempt at PR?…or…

Are you now actively wondering how you can push your fellow countrymen into viewing what you believe to be the best author/book site ever?


Has the last comment pushed you over the edge and you now think I’m a complete idiot; believing, as I did, that I could persuade YOU into providing free PR.

Are you wishing you stopped reading these inane questions minutes ago… wondering what you will have for dinner whilst concocting a way to kill the supposed friend who got you to view this site…the gullible bas@*&^%

Have you now taken out a contract on me to stop me waffle writing these ridiculous posts and to rid the world of what you believe to be the next devil incarnate?

So you’ve cooked dinner and still reading in the hope that I may have written something worth while…I mean, why else would Jeff from accounts have recommended you visit the site and in particular this page…it’s not as if Jeff dislikes you…is it?

Jeff is your best mate, your pillar when times got bad and you found yourself all alone after she left you. Why in the hell would he recommend this god forsaken site to you?

Jeff hates you.

You’ve just realised you’re not as popular as you thought and sometime in the past you really…REALLY…annoyed Jeff. Why else would he have asked you to view bloody blog?

You’re wondering if it was Jeff that got your girlfriend to leave you. Was it him that told her about the fling with Julie from accounts at the office leadership weekend?

It was, wasn’t it?



Why the complete…hang on…how come I know about your sordid past? Well, maybe I’m Jeff mocking you, or maybe I’m your ex, humiliating you before your friends?

Have your friends read this site too?

Oh crap…you told them to. They’re probably on it right now, bumping up your country’s rating so that, soon enough, the whole town will know you’re a complete dooshbag.

Brilliant, just brilliant.

So why couldn’t Jeff/ex have just punched you in the face… and kicked you where no man should be kicked… instead of this embarrassing fiasco?


Alex's rage eventually escalates into violence.

A woman scolded and all that.

Probably shouldn’t have mocked her shoes too.

Yep, that was a mistake, a silly error that you could have done without. I mean, mentioning you thought her shoes were weird, when she asked if you’d been unfaithful.

But it was all you could think of to divert the conversation…that or stating you’d become a Buddhist monk.

Should have gone with the monk idea…too late now.


But you only split up yesterday and the website has been up for months?

Yep, they/we have been planning this for a long time, planning your hook up with Julie, seeding the desire during the Christmas party and then waiting for confirmation that you…wait, there’s a knock at the door, I’ll be right back, hold that thought.

Oh crap, you hired the hitman!

But I have so much to tell you, can’t you just tell him to stop? I have the answers you’ve been after: why you shouldn’t eat yellow snow, how they get those huge ships into those little bottles and why it’s not okay to enjoy listening to Britney Spears whilst wearing a Spiderman outfit and a hockey mask…

Singer Britney Spears was one of the best sell...

Singer Britney Spears was one of the best selling female performers of the 2000s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, wait. I’ll pay you to get him to…

What do you mean this has nothing to do with Jeff and Julie. Listen, if you want to get your country higher up the ranks, then you get me more views…stop hiring villains!

And in other news, it has been discovered that the latest Pope used to be the bass guitarist for Metallica…that’s a lie, I can’t back that up.

Remember…the World need TLC.



So, are you one of the many that have already glimpsed the promotion on this weekend?

Have you told your friends about it, or are you going to be mean, download it yourself, read it and then tell your friends (smugly) how you think the book is amazing…and you got it for free.

Don’t be like that

Tell your friends, your sister who has a teenage daughter, the tramp that lives in the garage and owns a Kindle Fire or the small alien from the planet Phtanger Plop who dropped in to visit at Christmas… broke the space ship reversing out of the launch pad… and is still waiting for intergalactic DHL to drop of the new plasma phase coli thingymajig-whatsamacallit 2, so that he can get home for the Easter Egg hunt, an idea that he believes will make him a fortune as they have a rabbit problem on Phtanger Plop.

So what are you waiting for, press the share buttons, get the word out and be the friend/sibling/workmate/customs officer that shares the good will, likes to make the world a better place and…ah, this probably doesn’t apply to the customs officer…rejoices in seeing people smile, laugh and enjoy themselves, and is  known for always going out of your way if you can help others.

Or…you can

Just read it and then smugly tell your friends that ‘it’s now back up to full price and how cool am I for getting it for free’.  I suggest you finish the sentence with a wink before sticking two fingers up at them…and then running to the door as quickly as possible, dodging the supersonic stiletto thrown by the girl you wanted to date, but now realise you have no hope with, and ducking as your priceless plastic Stuka model recreates a scene from the Battle of Britain.

Your Choice, I know which I would do, but then I was always the weird one and I was never going to get that date anyhow…and it’s just funnier that way.

Remember…the World needs TLC!

Note: The reason for the Rabbit problem on planet, Phtanger Plop, is due to Mr Archiboldavinatachyphlem Katanga-Xantianiagforkander (known as ‘Mate’ to his friends) importing a species of rabbit 20 years ago and allowing them to escape and breed in the wild.  The rabbit species in question was the Flopsy rabbit of Spantaga Prime (a huge 12ft tall carnivorous monster known for causing several species extinctions in over 42 galaxies).

‘Mate’ bought as they looked ‘cute’.

The little bundles of joy soon grew from the ‘initially I could hold them in my hand’ and he released them after they had eaten his dog, its kennel and two of the neighbours racing hippo-horses.

There is a warrant out for ‘mate’ with a huge reward attached.  It is believed he escaped to planet Earth around Christmas and has remained there after an accident in the launch pad…


TLC Free on Kindle 15-17 Mar 2013

As it is my Birthday weekend, if anyone asks I’m 30…ish, I’m giving away TLC on kindle for Free.

Who Will Enjoy TLC?

If you, your friends/family/neighbours/family pet/man you met at the bus stop/siblings enjoyed books like Potter, Hitchhikers or Pratchett, then you/they will enjoy TLC.

Get the Word Out

Share this on your Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, tell your friends that North Korea have promised to dismantle their Nuclear weapons if they download it…mention it at your book club and then read it yourself.

Remember…The World Needs TLC


The offer begins at 12:00 AM Pacific Standard Time…that’s GMT -7hours… on the 15 March and finishes 12:00 PM Pacific Standard Time on the 17 March.  All times are subject to variation as the Amazon servers catch up, dependent upon where you are in the World.

Recipe for Fantasy…or should a wand be allowed to talk?

I am writing this today at the bequest of the wand from my book, The Lost Cactus.  The problem is, he is a little upset with the way I’ve depicted him, and has stated that he’d like to change his profile in follow up books…into a sword.

I told him no and that’s when the problems started.


So, the question is, should a wand be able to talk, can I stop him now that he does and will I ever hear the last of it from the wand union?

First of all I need to fill you in on a few details, mainly how I got in to this mess to begin with.

The Recipe for a Good Fantasy Novel…or so I Thought.

When I was younger, yep some time ago in the middle of the Jurassic Period, I began reading the Hobbit, a story which is currently being murdered in the cinemas by an overly long script, a focus on the darker side of the plot and stretching the storyline to breaking point.  Anyway, after reading this wonderful tale, I then, as most others do, went on to read The Lord of the Rings trilogy.  My heart and mind were in unison…they both loved fantasy and after reading David Eddings and Terry Brooks offerings to the genre, my love for fantasy was set.

Later on in life, around the time man began to walk upright, I read other types of books, non-fiction, historical fiction, crime and conspiracy novels and of course, due to my work, a lot of Tom Clancy…wow, but how good was red Storm Rising and how bad are the Rainbow Six novels in comparison.

Anyway, before I waffle write about my reading past, I must now go onto my writing present.  When I began slowly chiselling out the stones that would begin my opening to TLC…we’re now into the bronze age but I couldn’t afford the papyrus…I wondered what was the correct format for the perfect Fantasy Novel and here’s what I came up with.

1.  A hero/heroine MC of some sort…a dark past essential if you want to go with the gloomy atmosphere.

2. A heroine or gorgeous boyfriend if the MC is the wrong sex…though these days, you can play around with the formula depending on how risky you want to be.

3. An evil, up to no good,  bad guy…probably one of the most fun characters to write if you want to really mess up the reader…think of Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs…was he really that bad, or just miss understood?  If you thought the later, you’re one of the messed up readers…he ate people!

4.  A great cast of characters to annoy, please, frustrate and generally try to kill the MC.

5.  An ideal setting, anywhere will do, but it needs depth, believability, and the odd dragon really helps.

6.  A way of preforming the magic…you could use a wand, and this is where my whole heart ache began.

What is a Wand?

J K Rowling used the ubiquitous stick wand, Tolkien, the wonderful staff wand, Eddings an Orb of massive power and King Arthur used a rather large Sword given to him by an ex-girlfriend who hid out in a lake after he dumped her…not a lot of people know about this part of the Arthurian legend as historians have tried to hush it up, but basically he dumped her after she demanded he get rid of the whole castle idea and go more open plan.

So, what type of wand should I go for in my story, the stick, sword or orb.  Well, I thought I could spice it up a bit, make the whole story more modern and …well…he’s not happy about what I chose…to say the least.

The Wand Union Problems

So wandy, I’m not going to use his real name, goes and tells the union and all hell breaks lose.  The next thing I know, I’m being visited by a couple of wands and shown a picture of a wizard who refused to listen to his.  He was subsequently held hostage while the wand union re-negotiated wand rights with the good guys union.

This is the picture they showed me…it made me cold all over.

wand hostage

The poor wizard Dumbledore being held hostage by his wand as negotiations take place.

The big question now is, should I change the wand into a sword as it has requested, or am I just giving in.  My MC has said we should sack him and he’d prefer a gun anyway, especially given the amount of gnomes in the sequel.  The heroine has said I should keep the wand as hers comes in so handy…she has a vanity mirror and I think her ego is starting to get the better of her.  And then I’ve got the whole union thing to deal with.  They say that…

‘a fantasy story needs a wand, one approved by the union and that has recieved all the correct health and magic at work briefings’

 So I’m stuck.  What I really could do with is some advice, but the wizards are avoiding me, other fantasy writers don’t want to get embroiled in this contentious issue and the publishers say it’s my problem, I made him talk, I get him to shut up and play ball.

But a wand can’t play ball…or can he?

Dwarf and Dog fall out over bone!

Professor  Barthomlew Big-Beard’s dog, Ralphy, quits after just a few days…stating lack of union representation as his reason.  However, in a worrying development, this reporter discovered that the building site for the world’s deepest well is a shambles and, that the only other employee, apart from the dwarf Berty, has left the construction work after only a few days on the job.  Apparently, after an argument about a dug up bone, the dwarf Berty fumed at his co-worker, Raplhy, when he re-filled the hole to bury the bone.   After the incident, a new union rep was voted in to try and calm the hostile feelings building upon the camp.  The Union Rep, Ralphy, who was voted in unanimously by all the workers much to the dwarf, Berty’s disgust,  declared a strike until worker’s bone rights could be sorted and either secure bone storage put in place or else the right for employees to bury their bones be enforced.

I can only guess that without some sort of interjection from the foreman, unfortunately also Ralphy, construction will be slow, to say the least.

More to come on this story in the coming weeks.